A JOURNEY TO HEALING AND HOPE
A Journey of Healing by Jen Palmer, Embodiment Specialist, certified Somatic Provider and Transitions Coach
I awoke before sunrise, in a dewy tent in the middle of the African bush – the sound of lions roaring in the distance had become a morning ritual, a sense of home to me after living for months locked down in a bushcamp in South Africa during the pandemic. As I slipped on my well worn khaki tank top, my fingertips grazed across a tiny, black, hardened, poppy-sized body that had wedged itself under my skin at the crease of my armpit…damn it, a tick.
Little did I know at the time that the lions were the least of my worries.
Living in the wilderness as a wildlife biologist for decades, I have had more near death experiences than I would care to admit, at least not to my mother. Charged by an elephant (twice), chased by mouthy sharks, leopards panting outside my tent, grizzly bears in remote campsites, nearly stepping on deadly snakes, just to name a few. And if I had my choice, I would return to any one of those moments in exchange for that tick bite.
Over the past six years, my journey to healing has left no stone unturned. As an Embodiment Specialist, certified Somatic Provider and Transitions Coach, I have poured my heart into research and readings about spiritual awakenings, dark nights of the soul, and cultivating your purpose…all to ‘find your way home.’ However, I vastly underestimated how excruciatingly painful, messy and seemingly endless some of these seasons of transformation and initiation can really be.
What happens when everything you ever knew to be true about yourself unleashes into an exploding pandora’s box shouting at you, “the time has come to face and deal with ALL of it.” Whoever planted the romantic illusion that being a warrior, light worker, priestess, or healer was an angelic vision in a flowy white dress adorned with a golden serene glow, obviously never met someone in the muck – living with chronic illness, pain, and fatigue, whilst also navigating menopause and heartbreak.
In full transparency, I do not see myself as someone who walked through fire and has now healed all her wounds, announcing my wildly successful recovery in this story. For me, the rawness of recovery is still fresh, even today as I navigate a foggy inflamed brain, achy joints, sore muscles and a heavy heart. But I hope by openly admitting this, someone out there may feel seen, heard and accepted exactly where they are, even if it is not where they wish they were yet.
The time has come for me to set down the sword of shame I have carried for far too long. Shame for not being as healed as I want to be at this stage, for still seeking a path of purpose that aligns with my calling to support others and connect deeply to nature. It is this rawness and vulnerability that connects us together as humans. Not the glory, the accolades or the other side of the rainbow.
A JOURNEY TO HOPING
There is a great dichotomy I feel has been unspoken about healing and pain. I often share with my clients that pain is invisible, yet all of us feel it somewhere, at some point in our lives. It is a shared human experience connected with true emotions, woven into the very tissues of our fascia and nervous system, yet we often hide it and feel ashamed.
How many of us really see the truth behind someone’s eyes or someone’s heart when they are in pain, do we even know? Sometimes I wonder if we could see pain as a colour, an aura of energy around each person, how much kinder would we be to one another? How much more would we soften, hug and offer unconditional love to one another and to ourselves?
TIPPING POINT
Once my tick bite turned disgustingly black and infected, I came down with an awful throbbing fever and somehow found my way out of the bush and to a clinic in the tiny town of Hoedspruit, South Africa. I was put on antibiotics immediately and told I had tick bite fever – a rite of passage for a bush girl. I wasn’t too worried at the time, I knew countless guides who had it many times and bounced back in a few weeks.
Weeks turned to months and then a year, and by the time lockdown had finally lifted and I made it back to the U.S., the infection had moved from my joints to my muscles and then into my brain. I lost memory and cognition, my joints and muscles were chronically inflamed, I could hardly walk one block. The migraines were daily and debilitating, my vision was constantly blurred, neck stiffness so severe I had to start getting regular steroid injections just to move my head again. And it was getting worse.
By Christmas, I was feeling hopeless and even battling suicidal ideation. At that point, I decided to reach out to a functional doctor I worked with many years ago, and in a 10-minute zoom call, she said “No one tested you for Lyme disease? You have all the symptoms.” Within one week of specialized testing, I learned that the bacteria from tick bite fever in South Africa had reignited a dormant tick-borne infection called Lyme disease. I didn’t even know I had it and had likely been carrying it for decades.
I appreciated the doctor’s refreshingly direct canter. She shared there was no known cure and many people don’t survive. Most doctors don’t test for it, or even acknowledge it exists. For the record, Lyme disease is a tick-borne bacteria infection, found worldwide, and is one of the largest growing epidemics in the U.S. with nearly 500,000 diagnosed per year. It is estimated that 14.5% of the world's population (about 1 in 7 people) has been infected by Lyme disease. It is extremely difficult to diagnose as it hides throughout the body, and is a mystery to treat.
It severely affects your physical, emotional, and mental health, and wreaks utter havoc on your nervous system.
THE FOUNDATION OF ALL HEALING - SAFETY
When you live with chronic pain and fatigue, you will try just about any healing modality on Earth. I
have traveled the world in search of answers – doctors and specialists, shamans and energy healers, body workers and functional medicine providers. I tried talk therapy, somatic release, acupuncture, dry needling, cold plunge, saunas, IV treatments, breathwork, massage, gut resets, red light therapy, RIFE, muscle testing, herbal and supplemental protocol, tinctures, plant medicine journeys, meditation, books, nature, nutrition, vitamin shots, cranial sacral, chiropractors, hypnotherapy, reflexology, wellness retreats, yoga, forest bathing, animal therapy, actual witches brew and even exorcisms (yup, even that).
Tens of thousands of dollars on healing – a privilege I deeply know not many people have. I believe each of these has been a stepping stone on my path to healing, and what I now share with the world through my teaching.
I am profoundly grateful for all of them.
WISDOM OF THE BODY
Reflecting on my journey, Lyme disease was merely the tipping point to a deeper initiation. It was the decades of burnout, not listening to my body or feeding it well, people pleasing, pushing for career aspirations that left me empty, longing for partnership and belonging, the ache of not being able to be a mother, the financial strain of taking care of myself on my own, and a general sense that I had gotten wildly off track in a world where everyone else seemed spot on.
Through all of it, my wisest teacher has been my own body, she knew all along. I just didn’t want to listen. I have now learned that every symptom experienced in the body is merely a signal. And when we slow down and pay attention, we always have the wisdom we need.
“Embodiment and nervous system regulation is the foundation of all healing. Safety is a body-based language many of us have never learned, but we can and we are. I deeply believe it is vital to connect to your own body, nervous system and state of being, in order to heal.”
So, what does it mean to be connected to your own body, to come back to your home?
We all have a natural ability to return to a state of ease and presence, to not live in a state of protection, fight, flight or freeze. Through gentle body-based practices, we remember how to naturally release stored tension, stress, anxiety, and trauma.
When we shift the conversation with our body away from shame and towards one of love, connection, compassion, and trust, we embody our true ability to rest and recover.
Once we return to a state of safety, the immune system can function at its highest ability. Creativity comes back online, our hearts soften and relationships deepen, even sleep becomes restorative. This is where true healing begins.
I would not be here today, if I had not learned how to nourish and heal my nervous system through somatic release, and return to my body as a safe sanctuary.
DEEPER MEDICINE: AWE, WONDER, JOY AND LOVE
Nature is my first love, and the truest love of my life. I turn to her when I am lost and when I am at my loneliest. My love affair with nature continues to be the most profound love I have ever known.
I know, it is ironic since it was something in nature that led me down this painful path in the first place. But after decades of living remotely with wildlife, I have truly learned the medicine and power of Awe, Wonder, Joy and Love.
It took me being bedbound, unable to move, questioning if I was meant to be here at all anymore, to bring me back to life and to love. To feel my heart come alive in nature again led me to remember my true self. Whilst the world can feel heavy, and healing can feel daunting, it is vital to re-engage with awe once more.
When I was finally strong enough to make it back to my heart home of South Africa, I realised how much we all need the medicine of nature. She moves us and reminds us that we are all connected in such a beautifully profound way.
What started to bring me back to life and remember what love feels like the most? It was the sound of elephants splashing in a watering hole nearby, the eyelashes of a giraffe wink, the mist of a whale's breath on my face,the warm pinks and purples of a truly special sunset, rain drops falling down my cheeks - where tear drops once landed.
One thing that my journey has taught me is to simplify, sometimes down to a single heartbeat or a single breath. After all these years, I may not be fully healed (yet!), but I am so much stronger than I once was. I am a global nomad once more, leading workshops and retreats and guiding others on how to find their own journey to healing and hope. Turns out, healing – like love – is everywhere.
I am honoured to be part of a community devoted to a softer, more gentler world where we can return to our true sense of home. And throughout all of it, I am reminded that connected love is woven into all of heartbeats, if we simply slow down to feel it and heal it.
I am on this path so that I can help so many others walk through the fire with a hand to hold – no one should ever have to go through this alone. I know first hand that rising like a phoenix is not as graceful as we may envision. At times I feel like my inner phoenix is more like a dusty old crow in the park, scrappy and limping.
We have to remember that healing is meant to happen in community, not alone in a cave. When you open up and show someone your hurt, it gives others permission to show their hurt too – and together we mend.This is how we walk through fire… slowly, gently, and with love.
Through it all, after being stripped of everything I related to an identity, I realized that life is simply about experiences and connection, not careers, status and accolades – not the TED talk or the book deal or the influencer following. Shifting my perspective on what I want my life to FEEL like instead of LOOK like, has changed everything.
I aspire to dance more, to be playful, to fall in love and to notice the beauty in the tiniest of moments. To surround myself with the wonder and awe of nature, the wisdom of wildlife and wilderness, to trust the connection to source and spirit. To feel love in all its forms, with abundance not scarcity. And most of all, with every ounce of grace that I can muster, to honor that I am not only on a Journey to Healing, I am on a Journey to Hoping.
To anyone out there who feels they have tried everything and are still struggling with their own healing – be it in your body, mind or heart – please know you are not alone. The world needs you, because you are still here. Just by being you, you offer the world light. You show up every day, continue to seek with an open heart – and that takes far more courage than any lion I have ever met.
CONNECT WITH JEN
Jen Palmer Global | Instagram